


Hiding and Finding

by Nehesemhotep



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Big Brother Gabriel, Bullying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ficlet Collection, First Meetings, Fluff, Hurt Castiel, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sassy Balthazar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:16:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4221429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehesemhotep/pseuds/Nehesemhotep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of au ficlets from Dean and Cas' first meeting, through high school, college, etc. Not necessarily in order.  Mostly fluffy, angst and smut will be notated in chapter notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hiding

        “Cas. Cassiee!!” Gabriel’s voice pierced through the noise of kids talking and reached Castiel where he hid under a tunnel of hay.  Cas rubbed his eyes, trying not to cry.  The hay maze was supposed to be fun, his mother had said. And it was, until a boy that was older and taller and meaner than Castiel had cornered him, making fun of his glasses and grabbing at the trenchcoat he wore. He wove in between the haystacks, evading the bully, but now he was lost, and angry, and his face stung from when the boy had tried to grab his glasses.  

       Cas pulled his legs in closer, trying to make himself invisible.  A few kids ran by, ignoring him. Each time, his heart speed up, worrying that it might be the blond haired boy again.  Cas buried his face in his arms, wishing he wasn’t so different, wishing his brother hadn’t brought him to this stupid festival. A tap on his arm made him startle and look up, eyes wide in fear. But it wasn’t the bully. It was another blond haired boy, but this one had friendly green eyes and freckles over his tanned skin. Probably one of the cool kids at school. His face was concerned, though, and that confused Castiel. Why would a cool kid care about him crying?

        “Are you okay?” The boy knelt down in front of him, and reached out a hand. Instinctively, Cas flinched away, hands up as a shield, “Woah, it’s okay. I’m sorry.” Cas opened his eyes to see the boy had leaned back on his heels.  He pointed, “You’re hurt. On your face. There.”  Cas stared stupidly at him, reached up a trembling hand to feel a stinging scratch on his cheek. His brother’s voice boomed out again over the maze, a little more concerned this time. “Is that for you? Cas-sie?”

The boy’s voice quivered, with amusement or uncertainty Cas wasn’t sure.  Based on the fact that he hadn’t been pummeled lent him confidence, and Castiel shook his head, surprising himself with a soft, embarrassed laugh.

        “No. It’s just Cas. My brother, he likes to tease me.”

The boy’s eyes twinkled and he laughed back, offering a hand and pulling Cas up. To his surprise, the boy brushed off some of the hay from his coat,

        “I’m Dean. I’ve got a brother, too.  Why were you hiding?”  Castiel’s cheeks flushed, but before he could speak, another voice spoke up which made him stiffen.

        “Ah. There’s the freak. Hi, freak. Hey! Glasses.” The bully from earlier strode cockily towards them, his pale face devoid of freckles and kindness.  Dean stepped forward, in between Cas and the older boy,

        “Who are you?” His voice was heated and sharp compared to how he had talked to Castiel, and Cas felt himself blush at the feel of Dean’s back brushed against his shoulder.

        “Zach.” The kid crossed his arms, looking unaffected by Dean’s defensive stance. He snorted, “Move, sissy boy, or I’ll cream you, too.”  Cas stepped forward, although he was scared, he didn’t want to get Dean to get hurt defending him.

        “Cas!” Dean shouted as Zach grabbed Cas’ arm and yanked maliciously, causing him to yelp.  Everything next was a blur. Cas felt Zach let go and Dean’s voice angry, like a growl, and cursing. And then Dean was helping him up.  “You know, Cas, I was trying to protect you.”

His hands were on his hips, and Cas felt himself get angry, “I'm not weak, Dean!” His hands were curled into fists and although tears were in the corners of his eyes from his sore arm, he was tired of being called a freak.

        Dean’s face was surprised at the sudden outburst,  “I know that.” he mumbled, “Sorry, Cas.”  

        Cas’ hands clenched and unclenched. _No one_ had _ever_ apologized to him before. And Dean didn’t even _do_ anything except protect him from the bully.  Cas spoke softly, voice wavery, “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything. Thank you for helping me.” Dean smiled, and reached out a hand and patted his shoulder,

        “Friends?”

Cas’ mouth dropped, “With me?” He pulled at the sleeves of his coat and looked away and then down at the ground.

        “Yes, you.” Dean teased, and his voice caused Cas to raise his eyes slowly. With a sigh, Dean stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, “Come on, Cas. I want some apple pie.  Do you like pie?”  Cas smiled broadly,

        “Yes.” he said.

                “Awesome.” Dean laughed and they walked out of the maze together.

 


	2. Always, Cas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are freshmen in high school, and best friends. Dean wants to go out for Halloween.

        Cas watched as the group of teens laughed and joked with Dean.  They had just started high school, and Dean was already friends with the upperclassmen.  A small smile quirked his lips. It was because Dean could get along with everyone, and he was funny, and smart.  Dean caught Cas’ eye and winked, to which Cas rolled his eyes. He turned his attention to the hacky sack he was tossing back and forth in his hands and off his elbows, humming a low tune as he moved.  

        Cas wasn’t popular, but he found protection in both Dean’s friendship and the fact that he was on the soccer team.  A junior named Balthazar had vouched for him to the older teammates, and Cas was grateful for that. He snorted. Dean didn’t like Balthazar, for some weird reason.  Cas was so engrossed in his activity that he didn’t notice Dean until he snagged the hacky sack from mid-air.  “Hey.” Cas broke into a smile.

Dean’s cocky grin softened, and they looked at the passing students for a minute, before Dean leaned over, “Hey, do you have any plans for Halloween?”  

Cas raised an eyebrow, 

        “Why are you whispering?”

Dean laughed, and leaned in even closer, whispering right into Cas’ ear,  “Cause’ it’s cool.”  Cas giggled,

         “I don’t know what I’m doing for Halloween. Probably sitting with Anna. I know she wants to pass out candy.”  His younger sister was normally a social butterfly, but all her friends were at some retreat or something for Halloween, and the bubbly red-head had begged Cas to not leave her alone on Halloween, “like a loser”.  

        Dean frowned, “Oh.” His face brightened, “Well, the trick or treat stuff only lasts a couple hours, you need to go to this party with me.”  Cas paused, taking the hacky sack out of Dean’s hands, looking downward.  He didn’t like parties.

       “I don’t think so, Dean.”  

Normally Dean would just nod, ruffle his hair and call him strange or a nerd, but in a fond way.  But Dean huffed in frustration, “Cas. Come on. We’re in high school now.”        

Cas looked back up at Dean, “So?”  The thought of being in a completely strange environment, all those people, looking at him, waiting for him to do something dumb, was not a pleasant one.  Cas could deal with soccer okay, because the social stuff was contained, and when he left practice or a game he could go home and sleep.  But this...

        “So, these things are important!”  Cas started to sweat, feeling anxious and trapped. He shrugged helplessly. “So! It’s time to try and act-!” Dean stopped, and Cas felt like he had been punched,

        “Normal?” he spoke, his voice shaky.  Cas stepped away from Dean, eyes narrowing, voice cold, "I'll talk to you later."  He turned and walked away, and Dean didn’t try to stop him.  

        The next few days, Cas avoided Dean. He knew they would probably still be friends. They always were. But he was really hurt.  Dean was the one person he could count on to like him for who he was. Who made him feel safe.

        Halloween night came, and Cas sat with Anna, passing out the little bags of skittles and m&ms.  Cas felt a pang in his chest. Dean loved Halloween candy.  Anna, the intuitive sister she was, watched Cas with concerned brown eyes, “Are you going to call Dean?”  

Cas shook his head, “I don’t think so. He is at a party tonight, anyway.”  Anna sat on the steps next to him, and wove her pale arms around his neck,

        “You’re not a loser, Cas. You have me!”  She smiled cheekily, and Cas laughed despite himself.  Nevertheless, as soon as Anna went to bed, Cas curled up on the bed in his room, blinking away tears.  He felt guilty for ignoring Dean. He _was_ strange, after all. Cas was being a bad friend. He _was_ a loser.  He began to cry, and wrapped his arms closer around himself.  Eventually, he fell asleep, only to be awoken by the ringing of his phone.  

        Cas blinked groggily, hands shuffling for his phone. He found it and read Dean on the screen.  “Hello?” he answered it warily.  

                “Ca-Cas.” a soft sobbing broke over the phone, and Cas sat up straight,

        “Dean. What’s wrong?”  

Cas waited, hearing only snuffles.  Finally, Dean spoke up again, this time too loudly and Cas pulled the phone away from his ear, “I’m sorry Cas, I can’t.”  He continued, Cas was only picking up bits and pieces as Dean's voice faded in and out, slurred and sad sounding.  And he realized with a drop in his stomach,

        “Dean. Are you, drinking?”  Despite his frustration with Dean, Cas felt really worried.  He knew at their age, not only would it mean a lot of trouble, but as far as he knew Dean hadn’t drank before. He could get really sick, he could- “Dean. Where are you?” Cas made his voice as authoritarian as possible.

        “Ion. Party with seniors, juniors. Lots of seniors. I don’t know. Help me, Cas. Scared.”  Dean was panicking, but Cas knew luckily where Ion lived, because the senior used to be best friends with Gabriel. They had a falling out, but Cas had walked there often enough to know. It was far though, for Dean if he was drinking, he couldn’t walk.  Cas pulled his attention back to the phone, where Dean was apologizing and rambling about various people Cas didn’t recognize.

        “Dean. Dean. Are you with me?” There was no response. The phone clicked off.   _Damn._  Cas propelled into action, pulling on his clothes, glasses.  He snuck out the front door, thankful that he and Anna were the only siblings in the house, and both Anna and his parents slept like logs.  Once out of the house, Cas texted Balthazar, to see if he could please help drive Dean home from the party.  He prayed that the junior wouldn’t blow him off.  He prayed that he was really a good person like Cas thought he was.  Balt texted him back

_B:        I am not your chauffeur, Castiel._

Cas’ stomach dropped, but his phone beeped again.

_B:        But, I detest that kid. Everyone thinks he’s an angel. He’s a backstabbing bastard._

_B:        Ion, I mean._

_B:        Give me five._

        Cas waited on the curb, tapping his foot. He had tried calling Dean back but heard no response.  He looked back at the darkened windows of his house, fiddled with his hands.  Balthazar, true to his word, pulled up five minutes later, in a ugly green civic.  Balt sighed as Cas got in, looking at him with a raised eyebrow

        “Ghastly car, I know. It’s my mother’s. Now can we go rescue your damsel in distress?”  

        The party was as loud and awful as Cas imagined.  But his friend was in danger, and it gave Cas a boldness he didn’t know he had.  He pushed passed the people in the living room, looking for Dean. Balthazar tapped him on the shoulder, “Someone said he was outside.” Balthazar gestured, “In the back.”  Cas nodded and chin tipped up bravely, he made his way through the packed kitchen and wrenched open the back door, dislodging a couple making out. Cas felt his stomach twist as he thought about if Dean had been kissing anyone tonight.  Those thoughts were disrupted when he saw a familiar form slumped against the back patio.  He rushed to Dean, who was swaying, cheeks tear stained, a hand gripping the bars of the patio like his life depended on it.

        “Dean. I’m here. It’s Cas.” Cas placed a palm on Dean’s cheek, “You’re okay.” Dean stared at Cas, and Cas wondered if he even really saw him. Then Dean’s green eyes blinked in recognition.

        “Cas!” He almost shouted, relief palpable. A cough from behind him had Cas snatching his hand back. Balthazar.

               “All right. Let’s go, kid.” Balthazar took one of Dean’s arms and supported his weight on his shoulder. Dean’s one hand still gripped tightly on the patio. Cas gently touched Dean’s hand and coaxed the fingers open. He avoided Balt’s gaze, and together the two carried the teen out to the car.  When they sat him in the back, Dean grabbed Cas’ shirt and pulled him so that Dean’s face was resting on his chest.

        Cas noticed Dean was shaking, and tried to wriggle out of the hoodie he was wearing. Dean’s fingers gripped harder, “Don’t leave me, Cas.” he whimpered.  Cas hushed him, easing the hoodie around Dean’s shoulders and sitting next to him, wrapping an arm around his back.  He jumped when Balthazar shut the passenger door, and then Balt was in the driver’s seat.

        “Where, too, Castiel?”  Cas looked at him in surprise. The young man’s voice was sincere, soft.  Cas felt Dean trembling in his arms, and felt himself fight back tears. Balthazar looked at him a long minute, “I’ll take you two back to my place. My mom won’t mind. And I can talk to your parents in the morning, make some excuse up.”  Cas nodded mutely, the doubt must have shown in his face, though, because Balthazar chuckled suddenly, “Trust me boys, I’m very charming. Is that not true, Cassie-boy?”  

Cas stared at wonder at the junior for a moment.  Balthazar had really gone out of his way, and for no reason other than Cas asked him to.  He gave Balthazar a small smile, “You’re a good friend, Balt.”  Balthazar shrugged his shoulders, starting up the car,

        “Just don’t tell anyone.” 

         Cas didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He sat on the couch in Balthazar’s living room, watching Dean’s chest rise and fall.  Dean was laying sideways, head on Cas’ lap.  Cas was terrified Dean was going to stop breathing, and moving his fingers through Dean’s hair helped keep him calm. And it seemed to soothe Dean, as well, who had fallen asleep almost instantly as Cas wrapped him in a quilt, and Balthazar had given Cas a bottle of water and told him he could wake him up if Dean got sick.    

        Morning light wove through the curtains, and still Dean slept. Balt wandered down fairly early and turned on the tv, giving Cas a knowing smile as he saw how Dean had curled closer into Cas, one arm slipped around his waist and face tucked into Cas’ t-shirt.  Balt’s mom walked in and barely blinked as she saw two extra teenagers in her living room.  Balt related the story and his mom just nodded, giving him a kiss on the top of his head, which made Balthazar blush fiercely, “You saw nothing, Castiel.”

Cas laughed quietly, “Of course, Balt.” But he was genuine.  

       It was nearly noon.  Cas had been thoroughly chewed out via phone for leaving in the middle of the night, but had been allowed to stay at Balt’s until Dean woke up.  When he did, he pushed off of Castiel and looked about him in a panic.  Balthazar appeared to be anticipating this, and grabbed Dean’s elbow and got him to the bathroom just in time for him to get sick.  Cas hurried in after Balt.  He knelt down next to Dean, grimacing, and rubbed his back.  

        “You’d best stay there a little while, Cas.” Balt leaned against the door frame, arms crossed, “How do you feel, tough guy?”  Dean attempted to glare at Balthazar, but didn’t move his head from where it was, hands with a white knuckled grip on the edges of the toilet bowl.  Chuckling, Balt left. There was silence.  

        Cas continued to rub circles on Dean’s back, and moved it occasionally to massage his hair and scalp.  He was aware of an intense need to press kisses over Dean’s neck and behind his ears, and he looked away from Dean, trying to ignore those feelings.  

        “Cas?” Dean’s voice was so small Cas barely heard him,

               “Yes, Dean?” Cas whispered.  Dean very carefully turned his head to look at Cas with bloodshot, red rimmed eyes.  He looked miserable.

        “I’m so sorry I got,” Dean choked up more bile and clenched his eyes shut, pressing his face into his arm. “I’m sorry I got mad at you,” he forced out, “It was shitty of me.”  

        Cas took a deep breath, and placed his hand over Deans,  “Dean. You are my best friend. I love you very much. I will always be your friend. I will always forgive you.” The last part of his speech came out in a whisper. Cas hadn’t intended to get so serious. He should have just said, _don’t worry about it_ , or _we’re cool_.  

        Dean sat back on his heels, taking a few short, careful breaths, and took one hand to wipe at the tears on his eyelashes.  The other he left in Cas’ grip.  His eyes were so green, so beautiful. And Dean didn’t seem freaked out. “I-I agree, Cas.  You are my closest friend. You save me.”

Cas drew his hand away, mumbling, “It was just one time.”  

        “No.” Dean grabbed Cas’ wrist with a shaking hand, “Always, Cas.”  When Balthazar came in to check on them a couple hours later, Dean and Cas were sitting against the wall of the bathroom, arms over each other’s shoulders. whispering, thick as thieves.  Quietly, he stepped away from the doorway.

 

 


	3. I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so not all of these snippets and memories are happy happy; but don't worry, Cas and Dean have many years of good memories ahead of them.
> 
> *mentions of suicide (past)*

        Dean made his way to the diner.  He had tried Cas’ phone several times and no answer.  Only a text that said-

_C:        I’m busy._

        Dean pulled his coat closer around him, shivering despite its warmth, the wind whisking underneath the bottom and freezing him down to his core.  The pale yellow lights of the diner were a welcome sight, but he felt himself slowing, sad at what he may find there.  

        It had been two months since Anna died.  Cas’ baby sister had committed suicide.  Dean knew she had been in and out of mental health facilities and had a psychiatrist for years, but it still shocked him that she was really gone.  He saw her shy, smiling face in the art classroom many times after school, when Cas would stop in, just to check on her.  Dean knew that Cas never thought she would really leave him.  That’s not what Anna meant to do, but that’s how Cas saw it.  That she abandoned him.  Gabriel had exited the house years before, and it had been lonely for the two siblings remaining.  But they had always had each other.  

        Dean opened the door to the diner, kicking the slush from his boots, and looked somberly at the teen huddled in the corner, face buried in a notebook.  Ellen shook her head at him sadly.  Cas hadn’t eaten anything.  Dean knew that Cas would be drinking tea by this point in the evening, switching from his usual coffee.  Cas looked horrible.  He looked shrunken under his sweater and the hand warmers he wore even inside.  Dean had given him those.  It was during Cas’ 16th birthday, this most recent summer.  

        It was also when they had shared their first kiss.  They had two months of bashful, sweet, glorious dates and laughter, and lazily making out in the back of Dean’s car.  And then Anna died.  Cas hadn’t touched Dean since. Or anyone.  He stopped eating, nearly stopped talking.  He dove into his schoolwork like it was the only thing left that made sense.  That if he did everything in school right, maybe he wouldn’t go mad.  Maybe his parents wouldn’t hate him for being the one that didn’t die.  Dean approached the table and had to stop himself from reaching out to brush the hair from Cas’ face.

        “Cas?”  Dean spoke softly.  Cas shook his head mutely, pointedly writing down some notes.  Dean sighed and sat across from Cas in the booth.  Ellen brought him a huge plate of french fries, tilting her head towards Cas. Dean nodded, and slid the plate closer to Cas.  A few minutes went by with Cas scratching in his sloppy but elegant handwriting, Dean’s stomach barely allowing him to pick at the fries, which used to be Cas’ favorite thing to order.  Dean spoke up again,

        “Cas. You want some fries?”  Cas shook his head, his already slender hands swallowed by the green yarn of the fingerless gloves that Cas loved so much.  “Cas, please,”  Dean was surprised to hear his voice break.  It must have surprised Cas too, because he raised his head, squinting.  There were bags under his eyes and the area around the pupils was slightly bloodshot.  “Cas, I know I can’t fix anything,” Dean’s voice shook, “but I can’t...if something happens to you, I don’t know what I’ll do, I just...”  he broke off and buried his face in the crook of his arm, stifling a sob.  It was something about being in the diner that magnified his worry and the hurt.  The diner is where they spent half of their dates, where they spent half of their childhood.  

        And Cas was throwing it all away, all in Dean’s face.  And Dean forgave him instantly, and wanted only to be able to hug his friend again, even if Cas never wanted anything more, he wanted his _Cas_ back.  Dean heard gasps across from him.  Cas was staring at him, pen lifted in the air as if paralyzed, tears running down his face, lip bitten, trying to keep his crying silent.  “Cas?” Dean croaked out, very aware that the few patrons in the diner were probably staring at them, and praying that Ellen kept them away.  

        Cas dropped the pen and covered his face with his arms, curling inward on himself as he cried in earnest.  Dean flinched in surprise as Ellen sat next to Cas and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  Cas threw himself into her chest and muffled his cries into her shirt.  Dean couldn’t take it anymore.  The sound of Cas’ grief was too much.  He stumbled out of the diner, ignoring Ellen’s call and, tears streaking down his face, walked home.  Dean’s phone buzzed about an hour later, after he climbed out of the shower and wrapped himself in a comforter on his bed.  The message simply read.

_C:        I miss you too, Dean._


	4. I love you.

  
        Cas’ laughter was a gift from the gods, Dean decided resolutely, as he stared in unabashed affection at his boyfriend.  Even in the midst of the party, surrounded by laughing and shouting seniors, the sound of the music blaring, Cas’ laughter could have stopped time.  

        It had been three weeks since Dean had ran out of the diner, listening to Cas sob into Ellen’s shoulder.  The next morning, Cas had shown up in Dean’s homeroom, and had pulled him into a tentative hug.  Dean was careful and gentle as he embraced Cas back, gently rubbing his fingers in the short hairs at the nape of Cas’ neck.  Cas melted at that, and a small sigh was released from his lips.  The hug was over far too quickly, and Cas didn’t say anything before giving a small smile and leaving, but it left Dean beaming for the rest of the day.  The next morning, when Dean texted Cas to see if he wanted to stop at Ellen’s for hot chocolate, Cas said yes.  And so the days passed, and Dean saw Cas trying so hard to be a friend, to be close.  Of course, there were bad days.  But there were good days now, too, and Dean cherished every smile Cas made.  

        And so, here they were, at the New Year’s party.  Cas was dressed in a navy button up shirt over a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans.  His sleeves were rolled up and his hair was errant, but shiny.  He looked healthier than he had in months.  He was talking with Balthazar, who was now in college and occasionally came to visit.  Dean would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he knew Balt liked Cas.  And Cas had to know. Right?  In any case, he had to give credit to the older guy in that he was always respectful and was a good friend.  And if that ever changed, well, Dean would be there, by Cas’ side.

        Cas looked over at him, and nodding to Balthazar, walked over and slid an arm around Dean’s waist.  Cas looked up, cheeks slightly flushed from the warmth and the alcohol.  Dean smiled at him, resting his arm around Cas’ back.  A shout from the other room started a countdown, and Dean joined the chorus, looking around at the other students, his friends, feeling very happy.  As the countdown went down to _2...1…_ Dean turned to Cas and pressed a kiss to his cheek.  They hadn’t even kissed since before Anna died.  Dean knew others thought it was weird, that he was dating someone, and not even kissing them.  But Dean knew Cas.  And he would be okay with warm hugs and reassuring touches forever, if he got to keep Cas.  

        Dean was startled when Cas pulled his face back for a kiss, heated and fervent and tongue pressing into Dean’s mouth unabashedly.  Dean moaned and kissed back, before shifting backward and bumping into another couple.  They broke apart, and he broke into a grin.  Cas broke into a peal of laughter, bending at the waist and then straightening and pulling Dean to him again.  In between kisses, Cas gasped out, _I..love you...Dean._   Then little murmurs of _Dean_ and _love_.  Dean became aware of laughter around them and a couple of wolf whistles.

        Cas snapped back, blushing fiercely, his pupils blown and lips swollen.  Dean was sure he didn’t look much better.  He felt the words on the tip of his tongue but with the gazes of the entire room on them, they just wouldn’t come out.  Cas took him by the wrist and pulled him gently through the living room and out the front door.  In the cold air, they stood, regaining their composure.  Dean slid his eyes over to Cas and smirked.  “Shut up, Dean,” Cas said affectionately.  

        Dean turned and slid their fingers together, the smirk disappearing,  and said the words he’d been wanting to say all night,  “I love you, Cas.”  

        Cas smiled back at him, face shining, “Yeah, I know.”


	5. Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so sorry for bombarding you all with like 3 chapters in a row, but I just had a bunch of ideas come together at once. Anyhoo, thanks for reading, as always. Rock on! :D

         Cas pulled the pillow tighter over his head and groaned,  “Go away, Gabriel!”  He heard a chuckle and yelped as the pillow was pulled from his grip and the blanket he was cuddled in was also pulled away.

        “Using my full name is not effective when you aren’t a parent, Cassie.”  

        “Go away, Gabe!”  Cas heard Dean shout from his other side.

        “Nope.  You guys need to get moving.”  Cas  sighed and sat up, rubbing at his eyes.  His older brother was looking at him with a smirk on his face.  And still, Gabe babysitting was better than their parents being there.  Cas knew his mom wouldn’t have let Dean sleepover on a school night at all.  And Gabe knew he knew it.  So Cas stood up and shook Dean where he still lay stubbornly covered in his own blanket.  Dean had his own comforter because Dean Winchester was a blanket hog.  Cas always made him have his own so he wouldn’t wake up freezing cold.  Dean turned his face and frowned at Cas, “Ugh,” is all he said.

        Gabe walked over and ripped the blanket off Dean, and tossed it out of reach. Triumphant, he walked out of the room,  “We’re leaving in fifteen minutes, kiddos.”  Dean rolled, literally, off the bed.  Cas heard the thump as Dean hit the soft carpet.

        “Gabe is mean,” he grumbled.  Cas giggled.  He didn’t like getting up early, but Dean was worse.  Dean’s head popped over the edge of the bed at Cas, where he was picking out a t-shirt to wear.  His hair was eskew and he wore a scowl on his face, “Got something to say, Cas?”  Cas didn’t bother to hold back his laughter,

        “You look ridiculous!  Like...you got shocked and your hair is all spikey!” He squealed as Dean pelted a pillow at him.  Eventually, the two made it downstairs with their backpacks and shoes.  Gabe smiled at them and ruffled Cas’ hair,

        “Don’t worry, we can stop at Ellen’s for cocoa.”

        “Yay!”  Dean fist-pumped the air.  Gabe’s sweet tooth had some advantages.  He and Cas exchanged a look and matching grins.  They bounded out the door.  Ellen greeted the group with a wave and they sat down at the bar as she prepared her cocoa, with extra whipped cream for Gabe and Dean.  For Cas, she pulled out the small tub of cookies and cream ice cream and threw a scoop into the mug, winking as she did so.  

        As she distributed the drinks, she pulled each boy towards her for a kiss on the top of their heads.  Cas didn’t know why she liked them so much, but he was glad she did.  “Thank you, Ellen.”  he said cheerily.  

        “You’re welcome, Cas.”

 

~~~~~~

 

        Sam pushed around the cereal in his bowl.  Dean watched him stare at the table, a sad look on his face.  He knew why his brother was so quiet.  Dean was going on their annual high school trip this week to Washington, D.C.  And then he was going to visit with Bobby for the weekend.  Dad was going to be working like he always is, so Sam was going to be alone basically the whole time.  Sam was trying to put on a brave face, but it was breaking.  

        There was a knock on the door, and Dean yelled, “Come in, Cas.”  Cas wasn’t going to D.C.  His parents wouldn’t pay for him to go, and to be honest, Dean was surprised his dad had agreed to it.  Cas walked in, joining Dean and Sam at the table. Dean threw a piece of toast at him, which Cas batted away,

        “Really mature, Dean.” he said, without any heat.  His face focused on Sam and then he looked to Dean with questioning eyebrows.  Dean mouthed _trip_.  Thankfully, that was all Dean needed to say and Cas understood.  “Hey Sam, what are you doing Friday?”  

        Dean tilted his head quizzically at Cas, who ignored him.  Sam shrugged.  Cas stole the last piece of toast from Dean’s plate, munching thoughtfully.  Dean knew he liked extra cinnamon on his toast. And Dean may have put a lot of cinnamon on his toast this morning, expecting Cas, the toast thief, to snag a piece.  Cas continued, “Well, the soccer team is going to see a movie, do you want to go?”  Sam lifted his head,

        “But it’s for the soccer team.”  His voice betrayed a note of hope, however, and Dean looked at Cas.

                “Yeah, but I’m inviting you.  All the guys have friends go.  And you’re my friend.”  Sam blushed and nodded,

        “Okay, cool.”  Dean looked fondly at Cas, who glanced at him and smiled.  Sam reached for his orange juice and gulped it down, before practically skipping to the kitchen.  Cas had always treated Sam like his own brother, and it didn’t matter that he was younger, or that Cas was already somewhat of a social outcast.  Cas didn’t care about those things.  Dean felt like sometimes Sam looked at Cas with a little hero worship.  And Dean understood.  He felt that way about Cas, too.

  


	6. Always, Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **trigger warning for rape (not between Dean and Cas)** 
> 
> So this chapter got heavy, and I'm sorry for that.

        Cas stumbled out of the bar, ears ringing. The steady thump of the music overloaded his senses and he grimaced, feeling an acidic taste rise in his mouth.  He ran a palm along the brick of the alleyway, vaguely aware of the chatter around him disappearing as he walked away from the bar. The weight of his cell phone in his pocket reminded him of why he decided to get shit faced, alone, the night before finals.  Reminded him of Dean.  A sob threatened to fall from his lips. Words like _stupid_ and _jerk_ and _bastard_ raged in his mind at the same time they just _hurt_. Because Cas knew they weren’t really true. He knew he was the one who messed everything up. Or did he. He couldn’t remember whose fault this was.

        He just wanted to forget it even happened.  He paused, swaying, part of his brain prompting him to go back to the bar for another drink. He hadn’t forgotten yet. He needed to forget. As Cas turned, he bumped into something solid. “Get ou-way,” he slurred, raising a hand a pushing against what he realized was the chest of a man. A man whose features, though slightly distorted through the alcoholic haze, raised the hairs on the back of his neck and cold fear to twist in his gut.  The man gripped Cas’ wrist just on the side of painful, and if Cas wasn’t sure about his intent before, the soft chuckle made it clear.

        Cas tried to pull his arm away, his breath quickening.  He looked around the man towards the lights of the bar, barely visible from where he stood.  The man stood still, not letting go.  Only when Cas attempted to punch him, did he react.  He twisted Cas’ arm and Cas’ knees buckled as he cried out.  The attacker leaned his weight forward, pinning Cas to the ground, a knee digging into his spine.  Cas wriggled frantically, tears finally appearing as he tried to cry out.  A harsh hand on the back of his head pushed his face into the pavement and Cas felt the skin tear.  He felt a hand on his belt, pulling at his pants.  The fear was almost paralyzing. _This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t happen like this._ As the man ripped down his boxers and pressed a thumb roughly past his rim, Cas managed to scream. The man pressed deeper and the pain was sharp and vile. Just as Cas felt a second finger enter him he heard a shout and the digits were removed, causing him to yelp.  Cas kicked his legs and scrambled out from under the man, who was being grabbed by someone else.

        He curled into a ball, sobbing, as they scuffled.  A thump. Then only harsh breathing.  Cas felt someone lean in close to him and he let out a strangled, "No."  The person didn’t touch him, although they were speaking to him.

        “Cas? Cas. It’s Sam. Listen, you’re safe now. It’s me, Sam. Cas.”  Cas lowered his arms, heart pounding, and found himself looking into the terrified face of Sam Winchester.  His eyes were filled with concern, face pale.

        “Sam?” Cas whispered, then began sobbing again.  Sam shushed him, and Cas felt a coat being wrapped around him before he passed out.  

        When Cas awoke, he felt everything rush back in a wave of shame, and his hands curled, he pressed his face into his arms and forced himself to take deep breaths.  His head hurt, his whole body hurt from being pushed into the concrete, and there was a stinging pain from the man who, who.. Cas gagged, and sat up quickly, eyes wide with panic.  There was a trash can in front of him, and Cas vomited bile as his shaking hands gripped the top of the plastic.  Two other hands were holding the base, and as the stomach spasms lessened, Cas drew his gaze upward into the eyes of Dean Winchester.  

        His heart nearly stopped.  Dean’s face was wrecked.  His eyes were puffy from crying, red rimmed, cheeks still tear tracked, and as Cas met his gaze, they became freshly wet.  Dean’s eyes were filled with pain.  “Cas.” Dean choked out, “Hey.” His voice was rough, scared.  The last time Cas had seen Dean, he was shouting at him, called him a selfish, close minded bastard.  Cas was so angry that night about what Dean had said, about him, about Gabe. But Cas had gone too far.

        And look what happened. Look what he did to himself.  Cas pushed the trash can away with a yell, pushing away from Dean, mouth gasping for air, and  _god he couldn’t breathe_. _What did he do what did he do why why why why._  He felt hands pulling at his own, which were twisted in his hair.  Cas twisted and cried and kicked.  He felt a foot connect with a soft torso and his hands were released.  Cas twisted fists into the blankets and screamed into the pillow, choking and coughing breaths in between screams.  He didn’t know how much time had passed before his heart rate slowed and the screams faded to whimpers and then to nothing.  Cas lay faced away from the door, the blankets fallen around his back.  Tears continued to fall as Cas brought his hands in front of him.  The fingernails were flecked with blood and caught with errant locks of hair.  He must have ripped his own hair out.  That’s why Dean was pulling his hands away.  Cas knew Dean was still there, silent, waiting.  He twisted his hand back into the bedsheet, gathering up his courage. “Dean?” he whispered.  

        “I’m here, Cas.” was the soft reply.  

        Cas took a deep breath and shuddered, “I’m sorry, Dean.” his voice breaking on the words.  He felt Dean move closer, and his breath rate quickened momentarily, despite his efforts to stay calm.  

        “For what, Cas?” Dean’s voice was sad, confused.  Cas continued, in a small voice, 

        “The things I said to you, you’re not selfish. I ruined everything. I ruined me.  Even if you could forgive me, how could you ever want me again?”  There was silence from behind him.  Cas could hear Dean let out a shaky breath,

        “Fuck. Cas. How can you even-.” Dean’s voice wavered. There was another pause and Cas thought he heard a small stifled whimper.  He clutched the sheet in his hands tighter.  “Cas,” Dean finally continued, “I know, you were mad at me, and you deserved to be. I was a jerk. You were harsh, but, shit,” Dean was definitely crying now, “You better as hell not believe you deserved this.”  Cas turned, eyes wide.  

        Dean was openly sobbing into his hands, “I love you, you know that, I wouldn’t leave-you’re perfect, Cas, what happened, you’re not ruined. I love you. Please forgive me, please forgive me, Cas.”  Cas stared, shocked, before his whole body was shaking, the sounds coming from him in high pitched, short, gasping breaths.  He couldn’t seem to do anything but stare at Dean. Finally he blinked and reached out a trembling hand and touched Dean’s forearm.  Dean flinched and Cas flinched back, but he kept his fingers dusting lightly in the air over Dean’s arm.  Dean looked into his eyes, a flicker of hope amidst the pain.  Cas let out a long, stuttering breath,        

        “Always, Dean. Always.”

 

 


	7. Together

        Cas walked through the park, humming to himself.  The trees were beginning to show their fall colors, and it was the beginning of his sophomore year of college.  He was enjoying his classes, even though the classes were heavy and brought back memories of Anna.  Whenever it seemed too overwhelming, he thought of his baby sister. For a long time after she died, Cas didn't even want to think about teaching, which had been in the forefront of his mind throughout high school as teachers began to talk about applying to colleges.  But as time passed he realized that it was still what he wanted to do, and maybe even more now he realized that he could be there for students who maybe didn't have anyone else to turn to, and he could help them in many different ways.  Like he couldn't help Anna.  He swallowed, and shook his head.

        It wouldn't be so bad if he still had Dean.  They hadn't talked, like really talked, in almost half a year.  Dean had gotten accepted to the competitive engineering program at the same university as Castiel and they were both stoked to be going to the same place.  But their circles of friends and hectic class schedules had made it hard to keep in contact, let alone maintain a relationship.  After two semesters, they had both agreed to take split up.  Cas missed Dean so much sometimes he lost track of the times he would dial his cell, then hang up.  He didn't know how to keep himself from crossing the line from friends to more than friends, so it was easier to not speak to him at all.  Cas shrugged and placed his hands in his pockets.  

        As he passed over one of the stone bridges in the park, he heard a raised voice that sounded very familiar.  Peering over the edge, he saw Dean, backed up against the concrete railing, clutching his laptop to his chest, posture tense.  Cas knew how much Dean had worked to buy that laptop, because John sure as hell hadn't contributed anything to Dean's school expenses.

        Two men had him pinned, and one lunged for the laptop, causing Dean to flinch back, which caused Cas to emit a protective growl.  He looked at his feet, spotting a few rocks, picked one up, and threw it at the assailant's back.  "What the hell?" the man shouted, and he turned.  Cas picked up another and lodged it at the other attacker.         

        "Dean, run!" he shouted.  

         Dean took off, and the men ran after him, but were slowed as they tried to dodge Cas' well aimed throws.  Cas took off down the path, parallel to the route that Dean was taking.  At the end of the park, Cas turned left on to the street and nearly ran into Dean.  He grabbed the edge of Dean's coat.  "Come on!" They ran through a few more alleyways until they ended up in a residential neighborhood.  They stood, panting, and a women watering her plants gave them a frown.  Cas looked at Dean and burst out laughing, Dean joining soon after.  The amusement in his green eyes was so removed from the panic that had been there just a few moments previously, that Cas couldn't help but pull him into a large hug, and nuzzled his face into his neck.

        Cas immediately froze, and pulled back, ready to apologize.  Dean clasped his wrist, "Don't." His voice was soft, and his raised his eyes to Cas', a slight blush on his cheeks, Cas felt his breath catch, "I missed you."  Waves of relief and happiness overwhelmed him.

        "I'll bet," Cas attempted cheekily, looking at his hand still held in Dean's loose grip.  He shifted his hand to link their fingers together and a broad grin pulled at his face.  He met Dean's gaze and his grin widened.  They walked back to campus together.


	8. Mornings like these

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is really short. My computer deleted my original draft and I got so mad at it I tried to rewrite as much as I could before I forgot.

        Dean woke slowly, and looked to the man sleeping next to him.  Cas' face was relaxed in sleep, one hand cradled under his pillow, the other resting in the space between them, as if Cas was reaching for Dean in his sleep.  His hair was half fallen over his eyes, and Dean reached out and touched the top of his hand, stroking the soft skin.  It was mornings like these that made Dean grateful.  

        It was Saturday, and Cas would soon wake and wander out to the kitchen and start looking over his lessons plans and maybe tell one or two more stories about his students.  Cas taught elementary school, and every day he would come home and share how one of his students conquered a difficult math problem, or got a new dog, or stood up to a bully.  His eyes would shine in pure delight in every telling, and Dean couldn't help but love him more every time.  It also helped when Dean came home from his work with older but not necessarily more mature individuals, to have the blunt honesty and adventures of a child causing him to laugh despite it all.  

        Cas often told him likewise, hearing about Dean's work was inspiring, making him continuously want to learn.  To persevere.  Dean was an engineer and as Cas told him repeatedly, a damn good one.  No matter how many times Cas praised his work, Dean still got flustered every time; somehow Cas knew that he needed to hear that reassurance.  Dean smiled and moved his hand to stroke through Cas' hair.  

        Cas hummed, stirring, and pushing the top of his head into the touch.  Dean was continually awed by Cas.  After everything he had been through, with Anna, with the assault two years ago, he never stopped trying to love with everything he had.  Impulsively, Dean leaned forward and pulled Cas into a crushing embrace. "Oof, Dean." Cas complained, his voice rough with sleep.  Choking up, Dean tightened his grip and Cas stilled.  He recognized the almost frantic, desperate hug and what prompted it.  

        A second later Cas relaxed and pressed a kiss to Dean's neck, "I love you too, Dean, but if you don't let me breathe, I might change my mind."  Dean felt the weight lift off his chest and he chuckled, releasing Cas who looked at him fondly.  "Do you want to go to Ellen's for pancakes?"  Dean rolled his eyes, a small smile still on his lips,

        "You always want to go to Ellen's for pancakes."  Cas huffed and pouted as he wriggled back into Dean's embrace, the wisps of his hair tickling Dean's nose.  Dean ran a thumb over Cas' cheek and behind his neck, rubbing gently.  "Sounds perfect."  


	9. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. That is all.

        Cas sneaked a glance over at Dean sitting next to him on the swing.  They were outside of Ellen's house, waiting for Sam to show up with Jess and Gabby.  The toddler had just turned three, and Sam had promised an "epic" halloween costume for the youngster.  Gabriel was already here, the proud god-father that he was.  

        Cas looked at Dean's face, a little older, tanned, eyes a little sadder.  Dean had been spacing out all day, sneaking glances at Castiel, his lips twitching up sometimes like he was remembering good things, other times his forehead was creased and lips tight.  Things have been good between them lately, so Cas wondered if it was being back here at Ellen's, with Sam's family being here and the realization that Dean probably wouldn't have a child of his own.  Cas looked down at his hands.  The breeze swept over the porch and over his face and he let out a sigh.

        Dean turned to him with a soft, familiar smile, and Cas relaxed.  Gabriel peeked his head out the door, "Sam called. They're on their way. Apparently, the tiny terror is sneaking candy early."  This was all said with unrepentent glee, as Gabriel popped a mini Reese cup in his mouth.  Cas laughed, and felt Dean chuckle next to him.  It was such a relief to have everyone in good spirits. Sam had hit a low point a while back, his career and his lifelong struggle with depression leading to a terrifying attempt on his own life.  Cas had a feeling there was more than one attempt, but only Jess and Gabriel knew, and he understood.  

        When Sam suggested the name Gabby for their daughter, Cas thought Gabriel was going to cry. And that was a first.  Sam had looked away from Dean's questioning glance and stared at Gabriel, "I wouldn't have a daughter today if not for Gabe," he paused, leaning into Jess' touch but keeping eyes locked with his friend.  "This new life wouldn't exist without you having saved mine."  And with that Gabriel did have to turn away, turning his soft sound of emotion into a cough.  He nodded.  Cas walked over and hugged him, and for the first time Gabriel just relaxed into it like he was the younger brother and not Castiel.  

        Cas shook his head, and found Dean staring at him.  Dean quirked an eyebrow, and Cas leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose.  Dean turned away mumbling, his cheeks blushing in pleasure. It was an uncharacteristically passive response from him, and Cas frowned.  He needed to hear Dean laugh. For some reason, he _needed_ to.  So Cas leaned back in and kissed his forehead, then tugged his chin into his hands and bombarded every inch of Dean's face with kisses.  Dean was soon smiling and chuckling, but it wasn't enough. So Cas continued to kiss him but moved his hands down to his back and sides to where he knew Dean was ticklish.  With a shriek, Dean pulled Cas off the porch swing and Cas landed above him, relentless in his kisses and tickles.  Finally, Dean broke out in loud laughter, hands alternatively grabbing and pushing at Cas' sweater.  

        Cas pressed his face into Dean's neck and rubbed against his cheek like a cat.  Dean snorted and gently pulled at Cas' hair so they were staring at each other.  Dean's face paled, and Cas, confused, started to pull back, but Dean held him close, fingers twitching in his hair.  Slowly, he released Cas' curls and his hand moved to a pocket.  Then suddenly Dean's palm uncurled below him, Cas' heart already pounding in his ears.  The ring lay in Dean's shaking hand, and Cas reached out and brushed his fingers over the metal.  He felt a heat in his stomach and his chest and just  _joy_ that spread across his face as his lips opened with an " _oh_."

        Cas curled his hand over Dean's and squeezed it close, too choked up to speak.  Dean's expression changed to a wary hope, "Cas?" he whispered, "Will you marry me?"  The last words were barely audible. Cas could see the happy disbelief warring in Dean's eyes, and he managed a whispered response of his own, "Yes."  Then he kissed Dean soundly, possessively, surprising even himself at the whimpers and desperate sounds coming from him.  Dean's arms wrapped around him and they were lost in love.  Under the wind chimes and orange and yellow leaves.  Falling.  Until Sam's car pulled up and Jess' knowing laughter wrapped the world in even more beautiful sound.


End file.
